What It Really Means To Be Calm

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be calm and about the gap between our expectations and reality. My own tagline is, “My superpower is calming chaos,” which I still believe, but there is a difference between calming things down, achieving a state of calm, and a chaos-free life.

It may seem like semantics, but it’s a significant distinction: calming things down and achieving a state of calm are both within reach, whereas the expectation of a chaos-free life will always result in disappointment. 

I sometimes see some variation of this expectation when I ask my clients where they hope to be after working together for a few months. Some of them seem to imagine a life free from chaos, where they can navigate through life with ease. I have to disabuse them of that idea quickly! The actual outcome we work towards is to give them the capacity and tools to feel like they can handle the chaos and keep the highs and lows of life more stable.

There are too many ever-changing external and internal factors for calm to ever be constant. Life and the world are chaotic, which means many people are chasing something they can’t attain.

Calming things down doesn’t mean everything is calm.

The bread and butter of my work with clients (at least initially) is to equip them with tools and tactics to bring certain areas of their lives to a more manageable level. When they are in a headspace to think more clearly and strategically, which is nearly impossible when you are overwhelmed, I work with them to discover and explore the underlying motivators and drivers that led to the chaos in the first place. 

That said, knowing what the chaos agents are doesn’t necessarily make them go away. Many of them will be things you don’t have control over or natural parts of life. These chaos agents could be work deadlines, family responsibilities, health issues, or even unexpected events like a car breaking down. Instead, building awareness allows you to change (or at least work on) how you react to the chaos. 

You can learn to make choices that help reduce chaos, notice when things are escalating, and take steps to keep it from getting worse.

You need clarity on what calm means to you in this stage of your life.

Your vision of what calm looks like in your life is likely to differ from others', and it will change over time as your circumstances shift. What you imagine a calm life can be with three kids under five years old versus when they are all in school, versus when they move out, is all significantly different—same thing with the beginning of your career versus the middle versus the end. Even your personality type comes into play; my version of calm, with my introverted and generally quiet nature, may not align with someone more extroverted and outgoing. There are also numerous external factors, such as the type of work you do, where you live, your level of financial stability, the nature of your relationships, and your overall physical and mental health. These all play a role in what calm will mean to you at this stage of your life.

Creating conditions where calm is more frequent takes intentional effort

Have you ever said something along the lines of:

“It will be ok when things calm down.”

“I will feel better when things calm down.”

“If things would just calm down …”

The challenge is that things never really “calm down” as much as you want. Or rather, they don’t calm down on their own, and there will always be a lot going on.

While there are plenty of chaos agents in the world that you have no control over, there are many things that you do. When you think of the decisions that you have control over, a lot of it comes down to what (and who) you include in your life and what you don’t. 

• What are some simple things that help ease your anxiety?
• What makes you laugh or feel joyful?
• What helps when you are feeling overstimulated?
• What quiets your mind when it is racing?
• Who makes you feel comfortable and safe?
• Who makes you feel loved and happy?

The conditions that lend themselves to a calmer life are usually based on being able to set firm boundaries. I wrote a bit about this in my article, Obligation Elimination And The Power Of Saying No. It comes down to being thoughtful about what you commit to, the people you interact with, and the things you actively prioritize. More bluntly, saying no to or eliminating things that you know cause chaos.

• Are there any commitments that you dread that you can uncommit from?
• Are there things you are doing because you feel like you have to, not because you want to? Do you actually have to?
• Are there people in your life who cause anxiety and challenges that you can limit your interactions with?

You must intentionally choose opportunities for calm by protecting the things that help maintain it, because chaos will always be a given. 

Instead of chasing the elusive “calm future”, the work is to understand what calm means in this season of your life and in your circumstances, and to identify the areas of your life that you can directly impact with your decisions. You have the power to shape your own calm. 

What does a calm life look like for you? What are a few small steps you can take to move closer to it?

Need help figuring out what a calm life looks like for you and how to get there? Get in touch.