Discovering The Right Way to Live

Even now, as a 40-year-old woman who is relatively happy with who I am and my place in the world, I occasionally find myself dragged down the rabbit hole of reels and posts from people espousing the “right” way to live. 

It’s normal to seek external cues to identify what’s socially acceptable, keep up with cultural trends, and learn and modify. Like the average millennial, I’m mainly on Instagram, though there are, of course, myriad other platforms that target different generations with different types of content. Regardless of the platform and the format in which the content is delivered, it can become a slippery slope of outside voices telling you how you should look, behave, and even what you should want.

Mostly I’m on social media to see pictures of my friend's pets/kids/adventures and enjoy the clever posts by Merriam-Webster dictionary account (I’m a word nerd; don't judge). But my feed is also full of all kinds of other algorithm-induced age-targeted opinions on:

• How much protein you should eat every day.
• How many calories you should consume. 
• How you can get more done if you just… 
• How your house should look.
• How often/how much you should run/walk/lift/stretch/move. 
• How to eliminate/cover [insert here] undesirable physical trait. 
• How you should or shouldn’t have children because…
• How you are aging yourself based on the height of your socks, how you apply eye shadow or which jeans you wear (#skinnyjeans4life 😆).
• How this one food/makeup/morning routine/fitness routine will change your life.
• How the world is ending, so you should just drink and eat what you want, but also alcohol and cheese will kill you, so you should really only eat spinach.
• Something about reducing your cortisol.

With the bombardment of “shoulds” being thrown around, it’s no wonder even the most confident among us might stop to question how we live our lives. The message is loud and clear: Regardless of how you are doing “it” (whatever it may be), you’re doing it wrong or maybe just doing it not well enough.

Don’t mistake me; there is a benefit in questioning yourself. Questioning is a requirement for growth and learning. However, questioning for growth and learning must be founded on curiosity and an openness to experimentation versus the assumption that someone else knows better. It’s questioning with a clear idea of what you value… not what you are told to value.

Be the archaeologist of your life

A common metaphor I have shared with my clients many times over the years is to be the architect of the life they want. This metaphor always made sense, based on the idea of building towards something instead of being a passenger in your own life. But recently, I read Stop Being Who You Aren’t by Michael Ashcroft, and it shifted how I thought about the pursuit of an intentional life and what the right way to live truly means.

If you want to figure out the right way to live, be the archeologist of your life, not the architect. Ashcroft says:

“An architect plans a building up front before construction can begin, then diligently follows that plan. The plan may be adapted along the way as things come up, but the core approach is that action is led by a clear and detailed plan. An archaeologist works in the opposite way. Something unknown is discovered in the ground, and while there may be ideas of what it could be, the approach is to slowly uncover it. Whenever the truth of what is uncovered differs from the initial ideas, it’s the ideas that are updated.”

The archaeologist metaphor strongly aligns with the idea of growth loops, which I recently discussed in my article "Why Traditional Goal Setting Doesn't Always Work and What To Do Instead." Growth loops are alternatives to traditional goal setting based on cyclical learning, iterative change, and approaching goals with more curiosity to allow for adaptation. Both ways of thinking lend themselves to the concept of slowly uncovering and adjusting as new information is discovered.

When it comes to getting clarity on your right way to live, instead of getting lost in the endless voices of social media or even family and friends, who all have opinions and shoulds of their own, the opportunity is to be open to reflection and adaptation. The truth is, and the one to hang on to, is there is no right way to live; it’s not one size fits all. The right way to live is what works for you in this season of your life, given who you are today and who you could be in the future.

Ashcroft frames it like this:

“The “architect” tries to create particular versions of themself according to a plan, while the “archaeologist” assumes there’s something there to be discovered and then sets about moving dirt.”

You all know I love a good plan, and plans have their place. But plans are risky when they stay rigid and even more risky when they are based on someone else’s template (like all those Instagram posts I listed above!). 

I love the way Ashcroft encourages you to

“Look at all of the multitudes you contain, all your fascinations, your weird hobbies, the people you love, the places you feel drawn to, and ask yourself: Where should the next brushstroke be? What feels resonant? What makes you feel most alive? Go that way and see what shows up. See who shows up.”

That’s your right way to live. Everything else is not an irrefutable truth of what you’re missing but a data point in discovering your intentional life.

Do you need some help quieting all that outside noise? I can help.